—— MODERN DIALOGUES ——
or
a fairly typical day at the office
[The MINISTER for Health and Human Services has abruptly entered. The SECRETARY of the Department, is momentarily surprised, quickly recovers, stands, waves a desultory, welcoming hand in the direction of a comfortable armchair, and sits.]
Good morning, Minister! We were not expecting you quite so soon; I thought you had a media conference this morning—
[The SECRETARY almost falls over as the MINISTER shoves him out of the way, takes his seat, and quickly opens a new document and types. The SECRETARY stands nearby, slightly behind to her right, and the DEPUTY SECRETARY remains where he was, now to the MINISTER’s left.]
I am capable of multitasking, you know; remember too that I am very clever, attractive, young, and have been to university.
[The MINISTER fails to observe the stunned horror on the faces of the DEPUTY SECRETARY and SECRETARY.]
Right, I just need to add an irrelevant axiom, a mixed metaphor, add a tired cliché to a baseless assumption from a statistic which I’ll pluck out of thin air… and there we go, full stop, done; and sending… sent. I’ll just print a hard copy.
[The DEPUTY SECRETARY fetches this document (and the previous one) from the printer on a sidetable, frowns as he peruses it, returns to his former place, and hands it to the SECRETARY who reads it with evident dismay.]
Right, I’ll talk about this release later this afternoon—
[He hands the paper to the MINISTER who briefly scans the document.]
[As she speaks, the MINISTER rises and moves swiftly to the door.]
I’ll leave you to to it. Bye!
[She leaves. The SECRETARY, glancing at the clock and observing that the time is approaching 9.30, staggers towards the drinks cabinet.]
The Health Crisis Being Addressed
The scene is within the plush office of the SECRETARY of a Department of Health and Human Services in a small State of an English-speaking Commonwealth. The SECRETARY of the Department is seated at his desk reading a document displayed on his computer, and occasionally editing the figures therein, and the DEPUTY SECRETARY of the Department is standing slightly to the left behind him, also studying the computer screen. The two have evidently been discussing the document for some time.
… Ah, well, we’ll fudge those figures there by pointing out that those people there are choosing to have surgery so we may put them over here on the elective surgery list.
But it’s surgery which they need or they’ll die—
Nevertheless, they do elect to have it, don’t they; they could, after all, just as easily choose to keep quiet, be less bothersome, and die quietly in their own beds.
Or not so quietly in the case of those with emphysema and, well, I mean… Anyway, the other problem is that another five more people have died in the past few days whilst awaiting emergency operations.
Ah, right; we can announce, here, that our list for those waiting emergency surgery is being reduced.
What about those not on lists?
What about those not on lists?
Well, some people are waiting to get on a list to see a doctor, but aren’t even able to see one because of the long waiting lists; undoubtedly, however, if they did, they would then immediately be assessed as requiring urgent surgery.
But they are not currently on any of our lists, are they?
No, some of them are waiting for the hospital to contact them to make an appointment to see an assessing surgeon. In effect, they are, so to speak, on a waiting list to be on the waiting list to be on the waiting list.
In effect, maybe; but there is no actual list of these people is there?
Well, not as such.
All right, then; there’s no problem.
Well, there is for those who are in pain, suffering from ailments needlessly, or even actually dying.
Nonetheless, they aren’t on any list so they’re not making us look bad or costing us money are they? No? Good. I’ll just print off a copy for the—Minister!
Yes; I’ve just finished, but I was nearby and I need to issue another media release, and I want you to book another conference this afternoon; and I want you to type the media release for me—I have some notes I’ve jotted down—because my main media advisor is preparing my TV interviews, my assistant media advisor is writing some speeches for me, and my chief personal assistant has had to visit a dentist, and—
A what?
A dentist, sir: it’s like a doctor who looks after teeth—
Yes, yes, I know all about them; but how was she was able to find one? I thought our waiting lists to see those, ah, those—
dentists—
Yes; I thought the waiting lists were years longer than our hospital waiting lists. Even when people are in severest pain, with broken incisors and bloody gums, they can make appointments only by ringing an unlisted number between 8.30 and 8.45, on Tuesdays; is that not so? Plus, it was my understanding that people who need fillings eventually lose all their teeth whilst they’re waiting, thus negating the need for fillings, though the wretched people do then insist on their requiring expensive dentures by the time they do get to see the, the—
dentist. That’s only poor people, sir; and dentures do come from a different funding stream, whereas fillings, though a great deal less expensive, cost us more. Those people who can afford to see a non-government dentist, however, have no such problems.
Yes, my P.A. receives a very, very handsome salary, you know. Anyway, please just type this statement for me.
As I keep insisting, Minister, I am the Departmental Secretary, not a secretary
All right, move over for a tick, and I’ll type it myself.
So you keep reminding us, Minister. Now that we have you here, however, there are a few issues which we need to address, which include, specifically, the impression that you gave yesterday at your mid-afternoon media conference, when you appeared to misrepresent—
Hang on, I’ll be with you in a jiffy, I’m almost done. Hmmm, maybe I should have the cameras in to film me hard at work.
and what about our scheduled advisory meeting?
Well, I’ll just have to leave you to get on with that without me, because I have a little media opportunity this morning in town, and then I’m popping down to Parliament House for some headshots, and, oh, heaps of other stuff. Now what else do you have for me?
Well, for a start, here are our new figures for reduced hospital waiting lists—
Oh, nice! I’ll issue a media release about these wonderful figures. Are they on file?
Just there on the desktop, near your recent document—
Good! I’ll just cut and paste this information onto the last release; there, a few strokes of the keyboard… add another irrelevant axiom about a clean and green State and the contact details… a mouse-click, and, there you go, it’s gone! Great, what a productive morning’s work!
But Minister, those figures you’ve just released needed further work, for they contradict those which you released yesterday during your, your, um, the—
third media conference—
Yes, during your third media conference which was called just after you sent out that correction in your, your—
fifth, sir—no, I tell a lie, sixth—
Thank you, yes, after you released your sixth media release of the day—
I certainly am the minister for getting things done!
Yes, Minister; but if—may I have the print-out, thank you—if we glance at the figures, we see that there is an error which we need to correct here, and that second paragraph directly contradicts the, ah, the first statement in the release you issued just five minutes ago—
and the next paragraph, by the way, if I may continue, does in fact contain a few errors, here, here, and there, and that contradicts the proposals contained in the announcement in Parliament from the day before—
Oh, well, fix it up, then; e-mail it to me for approval, and I’ll issue a correction, as soon as I get back to the office.
But Minister, what about our meeting, what about our budget deficit, and the need for far more doctors, and the salary negotiations, closure of theatres, and the huge cost of ministerial assistants, and the administratve problems—
Oh! Ah, make a list!
Yes, Minister.