Rinse the Blood off My Toga
by Wayne and Schuster


Dramatis Personae
Flavius Maximus, a Private Roman I
Brutus, senator and alleged friend of the deceased
Calpurnia, a (recent) widow
Mark Antony, senator, orator, friend of the deceased
Tiberius, a centurion
Claudius, a barkeep
Regulus Bibendus, a regular drinker


(This script is largely transcribed by Informal from his lawfully owned CBS Coronet LP
featuring Wayne and Schuster's production of their radio play of "Rinse the Blood off My Toga."
Some adaptations have been made by Informal—mainly consisting of the invention of Bibendus and
some other bar banter—; but the copyright of this work resides with the heirs of Wayne and Schuster.)

Announcer
"Rinse the Blood Off My Toga," by Johnny Wayne and Frank Schuster—with apologies to William Shakespeare (and to Francis Bacon, just in case).
(FX—horn flourish) Rome! 44 B.C.


Flavius
My name is Flavius Maximus, Private Roman Eye. Licence number MMMCMLXXXVIII. It also comes in handy as an eye chart. I'm gonna tell ya about the Julius Caesar Caper. It all began during the Ides of March. I had just nailed Spartacus the Gladiator, he had a crooked lion who kept takin' a dive. Anyhow, I was just beginning to rest on my laurels when, suddenly— HE burst in to my office.


Brutus
You Flavius Maximus, private eye?


Flavius
I certainly am. What can I do for you? What's on your mind?


Brutus
Just a minute— Are we alone?


Flavius
Yes, we're alone.


Brutus
Are you sure we're alone?


Flavius
Yes, yes, I'm sure we're alone!


Brutus
Then who's that standing beside you?


Flavius
That's you.


Brutus
I know, but can I be trusted?


Flavius
(aside) I could see I was dealing with no ordinary man. This guy was a nut! (to Brutus) All right, what's on your mind?


Brutus
Flavius Maximus, a terrible thing has happened. It's the greatest crime in the history of Rome.


Flavius
All right, give it to me straight. What's up?


Brutus
Julius Caesar has been murdered!


Flavius
Julius Caesar murdered! (aside) I couldn't believe my ears! Big Julie was dead!


Brutus
Yes, it happened just a few hours ago. Happened in the Senate; he was stabbed.


Flavius
Stabbed? In the Senate?


Brutus
No, not in the Senate. They got him right in the rotunda.


Flavius
That's a fatal spot. I had a splinter there once. Those marble splinters, you know—


Brutus
Boy, I tell you, all of Rome is in an uproar. I came to you because you are the top private eye in Rome. You've got to find the killer.


Flavius
Well, I'll try.


Brutus
Oh, you can do it. After all, you're the guy that got Clodius and Sullus and you sent them up on the invasion of the vestal virgins rap—


Flavius
Yes, the whole town was sure in an uproar about that, huh. Holy Jupiter!


Brutus
Now look, what do you say, Flavius? Will you take the case?


Flavius
Just a minute, pally. I'd like to know just whom I am working for?


Brutus
I'm a Senator. I was Caesar's best friend. The name is Brutus.


Flavius
Brutus,eh? All right, Brutus, you got yourself a boy. I'll take the case. My fee is 125 drachmas a day, in advance, of course.


Brutus
Okay, here you are!
(FX—sound of coins tinkling)


Flavius
You're one short.
(FX—one more coin)


Brutus
Hey, you got a good ear.


Flavius
When it comes to money—perfect pitch.


Brutus
Let's go, eh?


Flavius
I'm ready. (aside) We went outside—flagged a passing chariot and made our way down the Via Appia. The streets were crowded with the usual people—slaves,senators, tutors, patricians, and little men who came out of doorways to sell you postcards from Gaul. Before long we found ourselves at the Senate.


Brutus
Flavius, this is where it happened. This is where Big Julie got murdered.


Flavius
Yeah, well, where is the corpus delecti?


Brutus
The what?


Flavius
The corpus delecti, corpus delecti. Whassa matter, don't you understand plain Latin when you hear it?


Brutus
Oh, the stiff!


Flavius
Yeah, yeah.


Brutus
He's lying right over there.


Flavius
Would you look at that. Eight daggers in him.


Brutus
Yeah, what do you think?


Flavius
I think that if he were alive today, he'd be a pretty sick boy. He's really fixed for blades, eh?


Brutus
Oh, come on Flavius, you gotta solve this crime.


Flavius
All right, all right. Who are those men over there?


Brutus
They were all here when it happened. That's Publius, Casca, and there's Trebonius.


Flavius
Who's that guy over there with the lean and hungry look on his kisser?


Brutus
That's Cassius.


Flavius
Yeah? He looks like a loser from the Colosseum. Who do you think is the likeliest suspect?


Brutus
That fella next to him.


Flavius
Wait a minute—; that's you!


Brutus
I know, but how do you know I can be trusted?


Flavius
(aside) I could see that I was dealing with no ordinary case. This was a mental case. (to Brutus) Wait a minute, who's the dame?


Brutus
That's Calpurnia, Caesar's wife.


Flavius
Yeah, well she's a suspect, too. Wait a minute. Pardon me, Mrs. Caesar—


Calpurnia
Yes?


Flavius
Flavius Maximus, private Roman eye. I'd like to ask you a few questions. What do you know about this?


Calpurnia
I told him, Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie, I said. Don't go, it's the Ides of March—


Flavius
Now look, Mrs. Caesar, I'd—


Calpurnia
If I told him once, I'd told him a thousand times, "Julie, don't go—"—


Flavius
Please, don't upset yourself.


Calpurnia
"Julie, don't go," I said. "It's the Ides of March. Beware already."


Flavius
Centurion, would you take Mrs. Caesar home, please?


Tiberius
Come along, ma'am. Come along.


Calpurnia
(fading away) I told him, "Julie don't go, don't go—"—


Flavius
(aside) I don't blame him for going. (to senators) All right you Senators, you can go, too. But don't leave town.


Brutus
Well, what do you think?


Flavius
I don't know. There's not an angle anywhere. Not a clue.


Brutus
Cheer up Flavius. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day.


Flavius
Hey, what was that? What did you just say?


Brutus
I said, Rome wasn't built in a day


Flavius
Hey, that's very good. "Rome wasn't built in a day." That's pretty good.


Brutus
You like it?


Flavius
Yeah, I like it.


Brutus
It's yours.


Flavius
Thanks. Well, let's reconstruct the crime: Caesar was over here, and— What's the matter?


Brutus
Look over there, behind that pillar. Ssh! There's somebody behind that pillar; I'll go get him—


Flavius
Right!


Brutus
All right buddy!


Antony
Ow—ow—ow— Stop it! Stop it!


Flavius
All right, buster, what are you doing around here.


Antony
Well, what do you expect me to be doing? Why shouldn't I be here? I'm Mark Antony.


Flavius
Mark Antony?


Antony
Yes. I just made a speech over the body of Caesar. I said, "Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears!"


Flavius
Yeah? What have you got in that sack?


Antony
Ears!


Flavius
Will you get out of here!


Antony
Wait a minute. Don't you want to know who bumped off Julius Caesar?


Flavius
Yeah. Do you know who did it? Out with it. What's his name?


Antony
(in pain) Ooh, oo—ee—ooo—aaah—


Flavius
That's a funny name. Must be Greek.


Brutus
Look, he's dead.


Flavius
(aside) What a confusing case. All I got is two dead bodies and a sack full of ears.


Brutus
Now, look, Flavius, I'm paying you a 110 drachmas a day—


Flavius
125 drachmas!


Brutus
All right, you've got a good ear—


Flavius
I've got a sack full of good ears!


Brutus
Now, look; let's have some action, huh!


Flavius
All right, all right. Don't get your toga in a knot. Listen, I got a pal, Claudius. He runs a bar on the Via Flaminia. He should have a few answers for me.


Brutus
That's the idea. Get out among the people. Ask questions. After all, when in Rome, do as the Romans do!


Flavius
Hey, hey— what was that one?


Brutus
I said, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.


Flavius
Oh, that's good. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do"— Very good.


Brutus
Do you like it?


Flavius
Yeah.


Brutus
It's yours.


Flavius
Thanks! (aside) Claudius' Bar and Grill is a hangout where I get all the answers. It's just a small place with a few tables and a guy in the corner playing a crude, cool reed pipe.


Claudius
Hiya, Flavius.


Flavius
Hi, Claud. What's new?


Claudius
Nothin' much. What'll ya have?


Flavius
Give me a Martinus.


Claudius
Don't you mean a MartiNI?


Flavius
If I wanted two, I'd ask for it. By the way, could I have a bite to eat?


Claudius
Sure thing. What'll ya have?


Flavius
I could do with some pizzum.


Claudius
Don't you mean pizza?


Flavius
If I wanted more than one, I'd say so. (aside) A regular guy, Regulus Bibendus, wandered in. (to Regulus) Care for a drink?


Regulus
You bet.


Claudius
What'll you have? Let me guess, the two of you would like Ra and Cocae Colae? Or perhaps just one whiscUS, one vodkUM or one tequilUM?


Regulus
Enough already, smarty-tunic. You know what I always have, wine: vinum, vinum, vini, vino, vino, vina, vina, vinorum, vinis, vinis. Bloody comedian, you ought to be behind bars.


Flavius
Well this one usually is


Claudius
Here's your martinUM and your pizzUM, Flave.


Regulus
Hey, where's wine; didn't you hear my order?


Claudius
On the contrary; I distinctly heard you decline it.


Flavius
Let's get back to the business at hand. I'm working on this Julius Caesar kill; do you know of anything?


Claudius
Try that dame over there.


Flavius
Yeah?


Claudius
Yeah.


Flavius
All right, sister, start talking—


Calpurnia
I told him, "Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie—"—


Flavius
All right, out, out!


Claudius
Hey, look, Flavius, I think I know the guy you're looking for.


Flavius
You mean, Mr. Big?


Claudius
Yeah. His name is— (in pain) Ooee—oooo—ee—ah—


Flavius
Now that's an interesting name. Got a stylus? I'd like to write it down. Claudius? Claudius! (aside) I'd never get any more information out of him: he was dead! This was shaping up bigger than I thought. Suddenly, I looked up and there was Brutus.


Brutus
Hello, Flavius.


Flavius
Brutus, what are you doing here?


Brutus
I was looking for you. Hey, who's that on the floor?


Regulus
That's Claudius, the bartender.


Brutus
Hey, that's a funny place to carry a knife— in his back!


Flavius
He's dead. He was stabbed—through the portico.


Brutus
Hey, that's even more painful than the rotunda. Hey, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar?


Flavius
(aside) I started to think, and slowly the pieces fell into place. Brutus was the only man around when all those guys got killed. Caesar, Antony, the bartender. Brutus was always there. Things were beginning to add up. I put two and two together and it came out IV. It was time to make my move.


Brutus
Well, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar?


Flavius
Only one guy could have done it.


Brutus
Yeah, who?


Flavius
Let's not play games, Brutus, or should I say—Mr Big!


Brutus
What are you getting at?


Flavius
If the sandal fits, wear it. You knocked off Big Julie.


Brutus
You're out of your head! I hired you to find the killer.


Flavius
Pretty smart, but not smart enough. Now, are you gonna talk? Or do I have to call in a couple of centurions to lean on ya?


Brutus
All right, flatfoot, I admit it. I knocked off Big Julie, an' I'd do it again.


Flavius
That's all I wanted to know. I'm sending you up the Tiber for a long stretch. Come on, I'll call a chariot, and we'll go downtown.


Brutus
Don't move unless you want a dagger in the toga. I'm getting out of here, and don't try to stop me!


Flavius
(aside) He had the drop on me, but I knew where he was heading—the scene of the crime: the Senate. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in my chariot. (to Tiberius) Centurion, hand me that Ram's Horn.


Tiberius
Here you are, Flavius.


Flavius
All right, Brutus, this is Flavius Maximus. I know you're in there, come on out.


Brutus
Come and get me, you dirty rotten flatfoot!


Flavius
You haven't got a chance, Brutus. I got the Senate surrounded by a stake-out. Now, throw your sword down and come out with your hands up.


Brutus
Come and get me!


Flavius
Get smart, Brutus, we can smoke you out. We'll throw in incense. We'll throw in an onion with garlic on a spear.


Brutus
I don't care what you do!


Flavius
All right, you asked for it.(to Tiberius) Give it to him, Tiberius. (to Brutus) All right Brutus, I'll fill you fulla bronze.


Brutus
All right, you got me! (aside) Shamus! (to Flavius) But I'll be back.


Flavius
Oh no you won't.


Brutus
I'll be back. Just remember one thing, All roads lead to Rome.


Tiberius
Come on you; let's go.


Flavius
No, no; wait a minute—wait. Bring him back.


Brutus
What—what?


Flavius
That was a dandy! "All roads lead to Rome." That's the best.


Brutus
Do you like it?


Flavius
Yes—


Brutus
Well, you can't have it! (spits)


Flavius
Oh, get out of here!


omnes
All Hail Flavius! All Rome salutes you. Hail Flavius!


Flavius
Take him, boys. And now I got a date with a doll. Okay, baby, now are you sure your husband won't object?


Calpurnia
Well, frankly, I don't care. If I told him once, I told him a thousand times, "Don't go, Julie!" I said, "It's the Ides of March; beware already. Don't go, Julie, don't go—— (fade out)

(FX—horn flourish)

The End